Yeah, I bet she is

I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling less-than-100% on this Hump Day. Break is too far away to be exciting but near enough to bring lots of work; it suddenly got cold in the District; yeah, we’ve got a real president now but we’ve got to wait two months before he can really do anything. No no, nothing’s really wrong, but what’s a good cure for the blahs?

Ah yes, I remember now–ridiculous house music videos! When you’re as stressed as a pair of herniated balls, there’s no better cure. As big fans of house music in general and bigger fans of the videos, Greg Gangelhoff and I amassed some of the best of the best for this post. House music artists like three things: a warm beat, samples, and hot chicks in bikinis. These videos exemplify all three interests. Let me know if they brighten your day as much as they have mine.

Note: All of these videos are NSFW. I mean, it’s not Nailin’ Palin, but there’s time spent gratuitously on ass-shaking, thrusting, stripping, licking, and what my history professor referred to as “sexual intrigue” in every single one. Don’t watch them if you’re in a public area or class or if you’re easily offended by copious amounts of flesh.

Onward!

Let’s start things off with a classic David Guetta track, “The World is Mine,” which samples a Simple Minds track.

Obviously, this is the luckiest dude in the world. From birth, he’s a babe magnet. From the cradle to the board room, he’s the center of female attention. He could have anyone he wants–his hot teacher, the head cheerleader who sucks on his finger, and the hot secretary. But in the end, who captures his heart? The nice, hot, fully-clothed girl. Awww.

Science. It can help us, it can hurt us. Nothing illustrates this better than Joey Negro’s 2005 single “Make a Move on Me.” In some sort of negative reinforcement test, ladies in bikinis dance for a guy who gets shocked every time he wants to, well, make a move on them. The cruel scientists (note the large-frame glasses) continue to shock him until one is too powerful and he collapses. But the tides turn, and the young lad harnesses for his own ends the very science used against him!

House music videos incorporate lots of different aspects of real life–science, love, relationships, and even sports. Like Rocky? Like hot chicks? The video for “Stupidisco” by Junior Jack is for you. Note: this is pretty much soft-core porn, and the creepy guy with the hat in the center ring is Junior Jack himself.

Jailhouse rock–but not what Elvis had in mind. Gay club-worthy dance routines? Hot cops? Shower scenes? Check, check, and check. Enjoy “Guilty (Feat. Shena)” by De Souza.

Whereas some of the previous videos may have left you feeling cheated for a story, Freemasons’ “Watchin’” does not disappoint on any front. It goes to show that houses full of hot women in costume never leads to anything good. This is a classic–I could watch this video a hundred times on repeat.

In this video for “Licky,” Princess Superstar takes a decidedly satirical stance on the oversexualization of women. “Lick it like a credit card/lick it like a rockstar,” she croons whilst nearly consuming lipstick. The sticky honey featured in one scene is particularly effective.

Bob Sinclair AND Jean-Claude Van Damme, together in one video! This is by far the classiest video of the bunch. J-C and a hot chick bring down the house with some sweet tango moves for “Kiss My Eyes.” The Muscles from Brussels at his finest, ladies and gentlemen.

BONUS UPLIFTING NON-SEXY VIDEO!!

If you’re not so into T&A, then maybe Axwells’s video for “I Found You” will do the trick. Two people share in the joy of sick dance moves, given to them by an all-powerful stream of white light–or do they? Whatever actually happens, you can’t get more joyous than this song.