Cthulhu terrorizing the Georgetown University campus.
Disclaimer: The following is not a Georgetown-themed hentai. The title has been chosen to avoid any confusion the picture may have brought. Thanks for reading!
At CAB Fair, you type your name, your netID, and the an- swer to some silly gimmick like “how are you doing today” on an upperclassman’s laptop. About a week later, you get an email telling you more about the organization for which you have signed up. It usually contains at least one unrelated cat gif or YouTube link. Sometimes you even submit an application and are interviewed by some of the club’s members. This all seems to make sense, but it still doesn’t all add up. Never did you expect to find yourself where you now are, on the edge of a circle of other members, holding a candle and chanting Latin as a goat is slowly drained of its blood in the center. Congratulations, you’ve joined a cult.
Each club here at Georgetown has something to offer (except a certain newspaper - you know who you are), but along with what the club actually says it does, each has its own set of rituals and tra- ditions. For some clubs, this might mean a certain type of gathering or party, a distinct ritual in electing leadership for the next year, or a ceremony of humbling yourself before the Dark Lord. Either way, it’s always a fun way to help with teambuilding and to strengthen relationships with both the other club members and the powers beyond. Before you know it, you’ll suddenly know a TA in your econ class who can personally help you with the homework, or maybe someone who took your philosophy course in the past and who you can buy books from, or possibly even a demonic being who you can call upon to bedevil the dorm of that one neighbor who blasts rap music at 2 a.m. on a Tuesday.
Recently, however, these rituals have become more disruptive. I personally witnessed a certain student-run credit union attempt to summon Cthulhu by the elevators in Leavy. After speaking with a few members, it appears that they attempt this ritual every year as initiation for the newer members. At the time, they had not been able to fully materialize the Lovecraftian being and had yet to bring about the prophesized ten thousand years of darkness expounded in ecstasy and freedom. This year, however, Cthulhu did appear. He quickly began terrorizing campus, attempting to destroy our Chick-fil-A and other places of worship. Luckily, he quickly returned to his state of hibernation in the Pacific Ocean when a GUSA candidate tried to talk to Him about new policies on flex dollar exchange.
Throughout recent years, these traditions have become more disruptive to campus life, and administration has sought to set up their efforts to stop them. You may remember several months back when a club (which for legal reasons will remain unnamed) organized a blood drive only to give the blood to Satan instead of sick children. You may also recall how Lau 2 was closed for repairs two years ago after a fallen angel attempted to defend itself from an army of bookshelves. Even today, there is a small group of students living under Healy who are convinced that the only way to survive the coming apocalypse is to dedicate their lives to the worship of the Wisey’s Chicken Madness sandwich.
After this most recent incident involving Cthulhu, however, the administration held a press conference to allow students to voice their opinions on the matter. The conference was led by the leader of Georgetown’s Student Council on Monster and Witchcraft Mitigation and Elimination, Abe Van Helsing. He offered the following statement as Georgetown’s overall opinion on these matters: “We are a Jesuit institution, and as such do not support the use of demonic rituals or other cult-like behavior from student organizations.” At one point, student Jimmy Genericlastname questioned administration as to the cultic-tendencies of all religion and Georgetown’s inclusivity policies in regard to faith, arguing, “The Jesuits is basically a cult,” to which Van Helsing replied, “are.”
So, next CAB (Cult Advisory Board) Fair, be sure to sign up for at least something. Just be sure that you follow Georgetown’s newly-issued regulations on cultic rituals: no human sacrifice, no transmission of blood, and no contraceptive distribution. As long as you follow these, you’ll find that clubs are a great way to make friends and sacrifices!
Jackson Foran was a Philosophy and Mathematics Freshman and Sass Editor, but after his encounters, he is no longer able to function in society.
Jackson Foran was a Philosophy and Mathematics Freshman and Sass Editor, but after his encounters, he is no longer able to function in society.
PC: Jackson Foran.