If you asked me how many near-death experiences I've had here on the Hilltop, I'd say I've flirted with the afterlife at least seven times—though honestly, it felt like more of a speed date. You know how it is, "God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers." Between confusing the calamari at Epi’s for onion rings and falling up the Copley steps because of a Canvas notification, I’ve had my fair share of your typical Georgetown jumpscares. However, one culprit behind my campus battles stands out from the rest: electric scooters.
Since my return to campus, every time I step onto the lovely, uneven campus sidewalks, it feels like I've entered a real-life Crossy Road—I’m one wrong step away from becoming a pancake. Dom Toretto and the rest of The Fast and the Furious decided to upgrade to lime scooters and use the Georgetown campus as their racetrack. This election season, I would like to know who will fix the epidemic of electric scooters on college campuses. To all of you who fancy yourselves football pros, step up your game and get those steps in, king. If you can't bring yourself to walk the five minutes from Arrupe to Leo's, at least put down that phone and stop texting and liming.
In the latest episode of my not-so-charming speed dates with death, I found myself face-to-face with one of those speed demons while on a Thursday night stroll. Armed with nothing but my brand-new sandals, I approached the end of Leo's Hill. Suddenly, I experienced an "Um, he's right behind me, isn't he?" moment. A speeding object crashed into me, knocking me down. With the Keanu Reeves poster hanging from a Vil A window, looking down in shame, I plummeted to the ground with an unceremonious "PLAK"— my body sprawled on the sidewalk. As I laid on the ground, I squinted through the haze of confusion to spot the villain behind this misfortune: a random athlete. This rider was zooming past me on one of those hideous Duolingo-green scooters, leaving nothing but a half-hearted "oh" in his wake.
Seriously, dude, "oh" is for when you run out of toilet paper in the communal bathroom. "Oh" is what your distant aunt says when she mistakenly calls you by your cousin's name for the fifth Thanksgiving in a row. "Oh" is not what you say when you're the guilty party in an electric scooter hit-and-run. I didn't know I'd signed up for a game of human bowling. I'm sorry, did I miss the memo saying that electric scooters could walk now? These aren't Tesla's self-driving cars; you can't just blame Elon Musk's idiocy for this collision. With an entire road to maneuver, you opted for the crowd-packed sidewalk with my unsuspecting body as the ultimate spare? Mama, let's research.
Can't a girl just walk down the Leo's hill anymore? Is it a crime to walk on the side*walk*? Do I need full-body protective gear to walk on campus now? Maybe I'll go buy a shield and sword. Is the noble pedestrian prepared for this incoming threat? With my new sandals scratched, nail polish chipped, jeans scuffed, kneecap bloodied, and ego bruised, I picked myself up to live another day. When you've laid on the ground in front of a Vil A window “Buc-ee’s” shrine, your perspective on life changes, and you undergo some intense self-reflection. Will this be the first of many collisions for me? How many can I survive? After all, I’m just a girl, and a girl only has two ankles. Hip replacements, goodbye. Ankle replacements, hello. Now, you might say, "You can't discount all scooterists based on one bad rider." Well, watch out and insure those kneecaps––you might just be the next victim. If you plan on going down the Leo’s hill in the near future, maybe it’s time to invest in a helmet and kneepads. You never know when the next scooter will strike.
If you or someone you know has been personally victimized by an electric scooter on campus, know that you are not alone. Help is available. Call 202-SCOOTER for more resources.
Isabella Pamias is a sophomore in the College majoring in Government and minoring in Philosophy. Her favorite pastime: judging people on Reddit’s AITH.
Image Credits: Jacklyn Kim
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