Are you struggling to navigate the complex social dynamics of vertical transportation? Fear not! This comprehensive guide will help you master the subtle art of elevator conduct and ensure that you will become the most memorable passenger for all the right (or perhaps wrong) reasons.
Entering with Style
Always rush into the elevator before anyone can exit. This establishes dominance and shows that you are a go-getter who values their time above all others’––just like that one guy who always raises his hand in your Philosophy class to quote Foucault. If anyone attempts to exit, make sure to stand directly in their path while maintaining unwavering eye contact. This is how alpha passengers assert their territory.
Strategic Positioning
Position yourself in the geometric center of the elevator, regardless of how many people need to squeeze in. If someone politely asks you to move, simply pretend you’re deeply engrossed in examining the ceiling. You might ask, “What if the elevator is full?” A true elevator professional will use their trusty elbows to fearlessly break into the crowd. Pro tip: spread your legs shoulder-width distance to claim maximum floor space.
Button Mastery
When someone asks you to press the button for their floor, press every single one except theirs. After all, patience is a virtue. Remember: every floor is an opportunity for personal growth, just like those mandatory Canvas discussion posts.
Conversation Protocols
Phone calls are not merely suggested but rather mandatory. The smaller and more crowded the elevator, the louder and more personal your conservation should be. Bonus points for discussing medical conditions, relationship drama, your upcoming consulting interviews, or your latest colonoscopy results. The other passengers are merely a captive audience for your one-person parrot-style show about how you are “in the elevator and can’t talk.” A true elevator professional will know that the more times you can repeat yourself in a cycle of “Hello? Did you catch that?” the better.
Aromatic Enhancement
Elevators are the perfect place to enjoy your garlic lover’s breakfast burrito or that particularly pungent tuna sandwich you’ve been saving. The confined space allows others to fully appreciate your sophisticated palate. If anyone seems disturbed, make sure to wave the food in their nose so they can get a closer wiff––it’s only polite.
Exit Strategy
When reaching your floor, take your time gathering your belongings. Methodically check your pockets, adjust your Patagonia quarter-zip, and perhaps do some light stretching before departing. The people frantically trying to keep the doors from closing are simply getting their daily exercise.
Advanced Techniques
Make sure to maintain aggressive eye contact with your reflection in the mirrored walls while practicing your upcoming IR debate. If you’re the artistic type, practice your interpretive dance routine during peak hours. Perhaps you’re an empath––start a support group for people afraid of awkward elevator silence by forcing everyone to share their rose, bud, and thorn of the day. To encourage some much needed school spirit, face the back wall and whisper “John Carroll is watching” every few seconds.
Remember, these guidelines are meant to ensure you become a staple in your building’s elevator lore. Follow them diligently, and you’ll soon find yourself riding alone in elevators everywhere you go—the ultimate sign of mastery in elevator etiquette.
Disclaimer: Side effects may include angry floormates, RA interventions, and being relegated to taking the stairs for the remainder of your Georgetown experience.
Isabella Pamias is a sophomore in the College of Arts and Sciences majoring in Government and minoring in Philosophy. Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired!
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